Are you ready, boots? Start walking.

It's all starting to make sense to me now...

"I still want to be friends."

Friends don't hurt you by breaking your heart. They don't mislead you. They don't pretend to share the same dream to avoid confrontation.

Michael, this is what you did to me and you still refer to me as your best friend? I'd hate to know what you'd do to an enemy.

Although you can't support yourself, I am no crutch. I am not a door you can keep one foot in while you see what's out there. I am not your safety net to catch you when all your ill-fated attempts fail and you fall on your face. I am also not your mother, even though you have a lot of growing up to do.

I am so many wonderful and beautiful things, but all you need to know is I am the woman you will never have again.

I wish you luck because you are definitely going to need it.

Put One Foot in Front of the Other

To hell with trying to move on and heal from this broken heart! I need to start off small, like getting out of the house, putting "one foot in front of the other."

Who knew that "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" was such a deep piece of cinema?

Have any of you ever really listened to the words to this song from that movie? No? Well, let me share...

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door

You never will get where you’re going
If you never get up on your feet
Come on, there’s a good tail wind blowing
A fast walking man is hard to beat

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door

If you want to change your direction
If your time of life is at hand
Well don’t be the rule be the exception
A good way to start is to stand

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door

If I want to change the reflection
I see in the mirror each morn
You mean that it's just my election
To vote for a chance to be reborn

I have got the standing down, but I am still struggling somewhere between walking across the floor and walking out the door. Maybe once I get outside, I'll find someone as exception-al as me.

Thanks, Jules.

I just don't know what to do with myself

There are so many songs about love lost. Everyone's pain is different or else there would be only one tune about heartbreak. I too have a lot to say about this feeling.

I suppose I've been trying to suppress it, but it keeps coming to the surface for air. Each gasp it takes, kills me a bit inside. Now it is a battle for survival. Do I vanquish the pain before it takes me out, or do I learn to co-exist with it?

Damn me for not getting over him more quickly. We try to hang out and be friends, but it is different. There is a distance, a barrier. It is no longer my place to know about his life. He is no longer my safe haven when I feel pain and now is when I am going through the greatest pain of all. Is this a cruel joke?

When we hang out, I try to be so cool with everything. I laugh and make jokes, but does he see that there is still a spot in my heart for him? It is very difficult, but I do my best. I may have lost my love, but I don't want to lose my best friend too.

We both have issues to sort out. I am going to have times of weakness and others of strength. That is the nature of healing. The difference is how we came about our need for healing.

For him, it was a choice he made to do so, for me it was a circumstance I was powerless to change. Logically, he will be better able to face his because he made some preparation for it, mine was thrust upon me.

I don't know if attempting to keep him in my life is just prolonging the pain I feel. Beneath the surface I am torturing myself with all the why's and trying to find meaning in the nuances of his speech and mannerisms. I try to resist attaching meaning to our interactions, but my heart is one of possibilities and that is her nature to do so. My mind is tidy, not wanting to leave unfinished business, so she demands reasons. I am in no state to provide myself with the hope my heart thrives on and the closure my mind mandates. Maybe that is why I am searching for those externally.

I have a lot to sift through, that much is clear. I'll have to decide which feelings to cast away and which to hold on to. I suppose I'm being an emotional pack rat, but now it is time to clear the clutter that is keeping me from the next step in healing. I don't know what that is, but I will stumble towards happiness like all the broken hearts that have come before me and those who will follow behind me.

Until then, this is how I feel:

I just don't know what to do with myself
I don't know what to do with myself
planning everything for two
doing everything with you
and now that we're through
I just don't know what to do

I'm Not Telling

There is something that happened Saturday, but I can't tell anyone. It was great and I don't want to lose one bit of the memory. As wonderful as it was, few would understand.

It did not change the world or the reality, but it made me smile and feel less alone.

I fear that if I let the experience escape through my lips, the intensity of the memory may become diluted. Instead, I choose to preserve the memory, safely in my soul.

Never Underestimate the Power of New

Lots of things have been new lately. I'm newly single after 2+ years. I have been living by myself for nearly a month. I had a new car stereo installed because the old one had run its course. I started a kardio kickboxing class. I am fitting into my smaller clothes. Eventually, I suppose I will have to get new clothes for my new physique.

All in all, new has been good. I have a new routine. I am sure to meet new people and do new things. I don't want to forget the old that created all this new, but I'm not going to dwell on it or mourn its transition into old.

Everything happens for a reason. With each relationship, I have come closer to wonderful. That means it must be within grasp and I can't wait to hold it at last.

Rainbows and Hope

Today I was feeling a little weak-spirited. It happens when you are newly single and facing a weekend devoid of the person who once filled every corner of your life. When the weekend comes around, you don't have the mindless weekday routines to distract you from the myriad of feelings that linger after a break up.

In response to the weakness, I did text him. After all, for over two years he was my best friend. It is awful to think that I have lost his love and friendship as well. That is just too much loss for me to handle right now. I just expressed that the weekends were more difficult than the weekdays. I don't regret it because it came from an honest and genuine place. Besides, my other friends just don't know exactly what we had.

Hmmm, what we "had". I'm going to have to get used to to using past tense when referring to him.

As I was coming home in the rain, I was listening to the radio since my CD player isn't working. I heard a song by The Counting Crows. My first thought was, "how soon can I get the CD player fixed?" Then it hit me all at once. I saw and heard two very important things.

I turned the corner into my apartment complex and saw a rainbow. It was vivid and enormous. I hadn't seen a rainbow in years until today. It appeared just when I needed it most.

At that same moment of awe, these lyrics came out of the radio:

And its been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last

I believe in messages and signs. My life has been too charmed not to believe. Whatever power or force you believe in that is greater than us was telling me something. It was a message of hope and I could not ignore it. It would be like denying a well-intentioned gift.

I am meant to hold on to hope. I am meant to believe and have faith. Most importantly, I am realizing those qualities are in me and not to depend on anyone else for my happiness.

The Last Time

No one knows when the last time will be. If we knew, then we might have made that last time better, more important, or more memorable. Honestly, if we knew it was the last time, we wouldn't have been able to look back on it with fondness or grief.

When he broke my heart, I tried desperately to remember all the last times. When was the last time we hugged or kissed? When was the last time we made dinner together? When was the last time we laughed? When was the last time he was really in love with me?

This self-imposed tortured has transitioned from lasts to firsts. The first day I had to make dinner for one. The first time I shopped for groceries alone. The first time that none of his clothes were in the laundry basket. The first time I needed him and couldn't call anymore.

I understand that there will be many more firsts, but I am still grieving the lasts until that last day of heartbreak comes. Right now, it is nowhere in sight.