Lots of things have been new lately. I'm newly single after 2+ years. I have been living by myself for nearly a month. I had a new car stereo installed because the old one had run its course. I started a kardio kickboxing class. I am fitting into my smaller clothes. Eventually, I suppose I will have to get new clothes for my new physique.
All in all, new has been good. I have a new routine. I am sure to meet new people and do new things. I don't want to forget the old that created all this new, but I'm not going to dwell on it or mourn its transition into old.
Everything happens for a reason. With each relationship, I have come closer to wonderful. That means it must be within grasp and I can't wait to hold it at last.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Rainbows and Hope
Today I was feeling a little weak-spirited. It happens when you are newly single and facing a weekend devoid of the person who once filled every corner of your life. When the weekend comes around, you don't have the mindless weekday routines to distract you from the myriad of feelings that linger after a break up.
In response to the weakness, I did text him. After all, for over two years he was my best friend. It is awful to think that I have lost his love and friendship as well. That is just too much loss for me to handle right now. I just expressed that the weekends were more difficult than the weekdays. I don't regret it because it came from an honest and genuine place. Besides, my other friends just don't know exactly what we had.
Hmmm, what we "had". I'm going to have to get used to to using past tense when referring to him.
As I was coming home in the rain, I was listening to the radio since my CD player isn't working. I heard a song by The Counting Crows. My first thought was, "how soon can I get the CD player fixed?" Then it hit me all at once. I saw and heard two very important things.
I turned the corner into my apartment complex and saw a rainbow. It was vivid and enormous. I hadn't seen a rainbow in years until today. It appeared just when I needed it most.
At that same moment of awe, these lyrics came out of the radio:
And its been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I believe in messages and signs. My life has been too charmed not to believe. Whatever power or force you believe in that is greater than us was telling me something. It was a message of hope and I could not ignore it. It would be like denying a well-intentioned gift.
I am meant to hold on to hope. I am meant to believe and have faith. Most importantly, I am realizing those qualities are in me and not to depend on anyone else for my happiness.
In response to the weakness, I did text him. After all, for over two years he was my best friend. It is awful to think that I have lost his love and friendship as well. That is just too much loss for me to handle right now. I just expressed that the weekends were more difficult than the weekdays. I don't regret it because it came from an honest and genuine place. Besides, my other friends just don't know exactly what we had.
Hmmm, what we "had". I'm going to have to get used to to using past tense when referring to him.
As I was coming home in the rain, I was listening to the radio since my CD player isn't working. I heard a song by The Counting Crows. My first thought was, "how soon can I get the CD player fixed?" Then it hit me all at once. I saw and heard two very important things.
I turned the corner into my apartment complex and saw a rainbow. It was vivid and enormous. I hadn't seen a rainbow in years until today. It appeared just when I needed it most.
At that same moment of awe, these lyrics came out of the radio:
And its been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I believe in messages and signs. My life has been too charmed not to believe. Whatever power or force you believe in that is greater than us was telling me something. It was a message of hope and I could not ignore it. It would be like denying a well-intentioned gift.
I am meant to hold on to hope. I am meant to believe and have faith. Most importantly, I am realizing those qualities are in me and not to depend on anyone else for my happiness.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
The Last Time
No one knows when the last time will be. If we knew, then we might have made that last time better, more important, or more memorable. Honestly, if we knew it was the last time, we wouldn't have been able to look back on it with fondness or grief.
When he broke my heart, I tried desperately to remember all the last times. When was the last time we hugged or kissed? When was the last time we made dinner together? When was the last time we laughed? When was the last time he was really in love with me?
This self-imposed tortured has transitioned from lasts to firsts. The first day I had to make dinner for one. The first time I shopped for groceries alone. The first time that none of his clothes were in the laundry basket. The first time I needed him and couldn't call anymore.
I understand that there will be many more firsts, but I am still grieving the lasts until that last day of heartbreak comes. Right now, it is nowhere in sight.
When he broke my heart, I tried desperately to remember all the last times. When was the last time we hugged or kissed? When was the last time we made dinner together? When was the last time we laughed? When was the last time he was really in love with me?
This self-imposed tortured has transitioned from lasts to firsts. The first day I had to make dinner for one. The first time I shopped for groceries alone. The first time that none of his clothes were in the laundry basket. The first time I needed him and couldn't call anymore.
I understand that there will be many more firsts, but I am still grieving the lasts until that last day of heartbreak comes. Right now, it is nowhere in sight.
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