I just don't know what to do with myself

There are so many songs about love lost. Everyone's pain is different or else there would be only one tune about heartbreak. I too have a lot to say about this feeling.

I suppose I've been trying to suppress it, but it keeps coming to the surface for air. Each gasp it takes, kills me a bit inside. Now it is a battle for survival. Do I vanquish the pain before it takes me out, or do I learn to co-exist with it?

Damn me for not getting over him more quickly. We try to hang out and be friends, but it is different. There is a distance, a barrier. It is no longer my place to know about his life. He is no longer my safe haven when I feel pain and now is when I am going through the greatest pain of all. Is this a cruel joke?

When we hang out, I try to be so cool with everything. I laugh and make jokes, but does he see that there is still a spot in my heart for him? It is very difficult, but I do my best. I may have lost my love, but I don't want to lose my best friend too.

We both have issues to sort out. I am going to have times of weakness and others of strength. That is the nature of healing. The difference is how we came about our need for healing.

For him, it was a choice he made to do so, for me it was a circumstance I was powerless to change. Logically, he will be better able to face his because he made some preparation for it, mine was thrust upon me.

I don't know if attempting to keep him in my life is just prolonging the pain I feel. Beneath the surface I am torturing myself with all the why's and trying to find meaning in the nuances of his speech and mannerisms. I try to resist attaching meaning to our interactions, but my heart is one of possibilities and that is her nature to do so. My mind is tidy, not wanting to leave unfinished business, so she demands reasons. I am in no state to provide myself with the hope my heart thrives on and the closure my mind mandates. Maybe that is why I am searching for those externally.

I have a lot to sift through, that much is clear. I'll have to decide which feelings to cast away and which to hold on to. I suppose I'm being an emotional pack rat, but now it is time to clear the clutter that is keeping me from the next step in healing. I don't know what that is, but I will stumble towards happiness like all the broken hearts that have come before me and those who will follow behind me.

Until then, this is how I feel:

I just don't know what to do with myself
I don't know what to do with myself
planning everything for two
doing everything with you
and now that we're through
I just don't know what to do